We Are Back!
Surviving hell and what's coming up next...
Hello beautiful readers 👋
It’s been a while…
Thank you to everyone who reached out and for the kind words.
The last 3 months have been extremely challenging and I’ve found myself at lows I didn’t even know existed.
Back in May, I started somatic experiencing therapy to (finally) process the childhood trauma that has made my life so abnormally difficult.
I learned how to feel emotions - like actually feel them, viscerally, in my body.
It was amazing.
Anger, rage, sadness, fear. All the childhood emotions I had bottled away were finally able to surface, and I was finally able to let them go.
My PTSD flashbacks stopped, back tension vanished, and I found myself in all sorts of crazy yoga permutations.
And then things got dark…
Turns out my brain had blacked out certain chapters of my earlier years for good reason: the feelings were just unbearable.
But Pandora’s box was open now…and for the next few months, these unbearable feelings would be all I could feel.
I tried everything to escape them: sprinting, yoga, art, meditation, dancing, dinner parties, alcohol, drugs, sex, chess, workaholism, etc.
And I got respite…it just didn’t last very long.
My girlfriend, cofounder, brother and closest friends were all extremely supportive but there was nothing they could do. I was trapped in my own mind.
The things I was feeling weren’t connected to my reality; they were connected to a past I couldn’t even remember.
It’s fascinating how you can have literally everything you’ve ever wanted, and your brain can just f*ck it all up for you.
The last couple months I’ve had to slow my life down to a halt…
Work, relationships, writing etc. - I’ve wound down everything down to take care of myself.
I’m currently somewhere in the alps, learning French with a wonderful host family and working with a trauma specialist to bring my nervous system back to normal.
The headspace has been amazing and I’m now slowly getting back to real life.
The newsletter will return to its usual Thursday schedule from next week - and thank you to everyone for sticking around ✌️❤️
Something To Make You Think 🤔
Are you meandering towards your goals?
When I was 21, I wanted to become an expert in artificial intelligence and neuroscience and use the blended expertise to rewire human brains - dealing with depression, anxiety, trauma etc. at the neurobiological level.
But 5 years later, I have no real experience in either except skills in R/Python and familiarity with neuroscience buzzwords.
I’ve done lots of other things - startups, travel, self-exploration, etc.
I don’t regret any of these…but I’m 26 and still not working on what I believe to be the most important problem of our time: rewiring the brain.
I’ve kinda just pushed it back, again and again: “after I learn these languages”, “after I’ve sold this company”, “when I’m 30”.
Instead of directly pursuing what I believe matters, I’ve repeatedly fallen prey to meretricious opportunities: the low-hanging fruits instead of the f*cking massive mango at the top of the tree.
There are still side-interests I will be exploring, but why keep meandering? Why keep delaying? If you want to do something, just go and f*cking do it.
I hear the same narratives all the time from friends and clients:
“I want to end world hunger…but only after 10 years jacking off in my meaningless finance job.”
“I want to start a business…but only after 5 years mastering the full Microsoft Office suite as a management consultant.”
Life is short af and impactful things take a long time.
It’s different if you don’t know what you wanna do. But if you do, just go and do it.
So, are you meandering towards your goals?
Hit reply with your answer! 👇
Extremely Interesting Fact 🤓
I’ve always thought angry, aggressive alpha males were the “tough guys”, able to handle more pain than their wimpier, chilled-out counterparts.
But attempts to find the genes responsible for aggression levels provide a counterintuitive result.
People with lower pain thresholds are more aggressive.
Makes sense: we don’t lash out unless someone has hurt us.
So people who get hurt more easily are more likely to be more aggressive.
It’s also one of the reasons women are (on average) less aggressive than men: the pain of giving birth has evolved a higher pain threshold in women.
So next time Big Scary Dave at the pub starts a fight because someone made fun of his football team, remember: he’s just more sensitive!